Opinion: Masturbating In Cold Environments Has Its Challenges

By Adam Cross

Dudes, hear me out on this one. Let me tell you, masturbating in the cold is no easy feat. Obviously, as a dude, you want to masturbate in a prime, warm environment. I mean, am I right? I’m talking, like, a good 70 degree room. 70 degrees is pretty damn comfortable. Don’t misunderstand me. Hot temperatures can be pretty damn uncomfortable too. You don’t want to be sitting on the toilet, middle of the summer, sweat dripping down your balls either. Those are the times you wonder if it’s even worth it. Sweat dripping from your forehead. Sweat seeping out from your arm pits. Shit, I’ve even tugged long enough to get sweat pouring from behind my knees. This, my friends, is not any good.

Yet, at least with the summer, your nut sack isn’t shriveled into a bag the size of a Jew-gold pouch hanging around your neck. I would take a sweltering heat wave before this. I would dip my balls in a fucking cauldron of melting wax before I’d masturbate in the cold and here is why. These are your nuts. You and I both know they are good for something. I’m not pretending to know anything about anatomy, but you don’t want your scrot retreating so far into your kidneys that a casual observer might ask, “Hey bro, is it just me or do you got a hairy vag right under your cock?” This is winter time, bitches. You have to take the proper steps to make sure your package is well protected from the cold. These are the Cross Winter Lovin’ Techniques, so all you newbs take heed, lest your junk falls off to some damn cockbite.

1. Cover yourself: This seems simple, but wrap yourself. Parents are god damn cheap hippies who won’t turn the heat on until snow is on the ground? Change locations. Stop masturbating in front of the computer in the nipply 45 degree basement, invest in a wireless router, and jerk off under the safety of a blanket or three.

2. Pick a Different/Smaller Room: Too poor to put plastic covering over your windows? Move to a room with better insulation. Go to smaller rooms and crank up the heat temporarily. Less space means less time to heat up. The smallest room should heat up to a level that lets you yank on the old chain in relative comfort.

3. Layer up: This is no time to fuck around. Wear a couple layers. Boxers, shorts, jeans (probably want to wear it in that order). Keeping your cock and sack warm in the first place is better than trying to spring a woody in a temperature equivalent to an Eskimo pussy (which I imagine is really fuckin’ cold).

4. Friction: If you can’t raise the external temp, raise the surface temp. For the love of god, just don’t stop pumping.

5. Invest: Invest in some heat lube. Invest in blankets. Invest in a cheap-as-shit Wal-Mart space heater. Two of these three items can be left around without raising the suspicion that you are fighting masturbation battle against boner kill extraordinaire Old Man Winter.

6. Move: Move to the equator. Take a space shuttle to Venus and masturbate your brains out. Just don’t fucking live where it goes below 65 degrees. This is a little drastic, but an acceptable solution nonetheless.

Now, gentlemen, I know you are with me on this. Every dude has been here. Unfortunately, some of our brothers are, frankly, not incredibly smart, and consequently, not very resourceful. Spread the word to end what surely must be a painful experience for so many men. Just because women lose their sex drive and dry up like clams in low tide during cold weather does not mean that we should put our cocks into hibernation. Be strong brothers. Be strong.