Stealing Friend's Baby To Use As A "Chic Magnet" Best Idea Area Man Has Ever Had

Portland, OR – On Wednesday, November 17, after area resident Charles Langford struck out with area women for the fifth time on the same night, he decided that only immediate action could solve his self proclaimed “fuck funk”. According to Langford, “I have a decent body. That kind of indie look. You know? This is Portland! Chics dig that look. They love that Mac guy! I just don’t understand. I think ‘fuck funk’ is a good way to describe it.” He sat down at the pub table, ordered another drink, and proceeded to ponder his method.

Four lonely drinks later, the idea dawned on him like a lighthouse beacon appearing during a torrential storm. “I figured, hey, why not steal Adam’s baby?” He dismissed the idea at first but decided to run with it. “I always see these good looking guys … no homo … who sit outside at a little corner restaurant, eating lunch with their babies and I mean, you can tell the girls just eat that shit up. One day, Adam and I went out for breakfast. Great little place. He brings the baby, right, and in less than an hour three fine ass women tried to give him their numbers. THREE.! Babies are chic magnets. It’s a fact.”

Langford went home and grabbed the essentials. “I figured I would need my ski mask that I never use, the crow bar from the garage, and my trusty duffle bag. That bag has traveled thousands of miles and has hauled just about everything. Well, except for a baby. That will be a first for my duffle bag.” Thirty minutes later, Langford left his apartment and drove to Mr. Adam Griese’s house. He sat outside for fifteen minutes scoping the house. Langford continued, “I’ve been to Adam’s plenty of times. I knew that this would be a tricky operation. I figured that breaking into the baby’s room would be the safest route. I pried the window open, crawled in, scooped up the baby, put him in the duffle bag, dropped the bag out the window so I could safely exit the house, and then casually strolled back to the car. Piece of cake. I did run into a snag when I realized I didn’t have a car seat though. I just buckled him up in the front seat with me. We needed the bonding anyways if he was going to wingman for me.”

Langford was last seen with the baby leaving Paddy’s Pub with two women. Any information about his whereabouts should be directed to the Portland Police Department.